Sunday, May 19, 2013

Repent Hound Dog! Repent!

Years later Pastor Rupert would tell chat rooms that the concept for “Leap of Faith” stemmed from growing up next door to Sister Teresita. Sister Teresita had received a Papal blessing for opening a National chain of buffet styled Soup Kitchen’s entitled “SINNERS IN THE HANDS OF A HUNGRY GOD,” before resigning into partial obscurity when risqué photos of her getting kinky with a wet-banana surfaced online.

Sister Teresita weighed four-fifty. In sweltering August of early adolescence Rupert would ogle in curious awe as Sister Teresita sun dried her mature undergarments, flinging the cotton stalactites over the barbed wire clothesline that ran between the back of the Cloister and Dale’s Used HubCaps.

The day an eleven year old Rupert snorted a mixture of crushed Pez and Ritllin through a pixie-stix he filched a pair of the Holy Sister’s panties and scaled the loose shingles of St. Onans, using the Sister’s undergarments as a parachute, landing with a thud, on the Bethany Project below.

“Those Panties saved my life,” Pastor Rupert would later recall in front of parish, swatting a tear off his cheekbone. “

After coming off a coke-addled binge Pastor Rupert went to Vegas, enrolled in a drive-thru course in clergy and became ordained by a state-collared Elvis, informing him that the good Lord wants to hunka-hunka have a personal relationship with you, baby-girl. Repent Hound dog! Repent!

Now Pastor Rupert organizes weekly devotionals four feet above Reno’s skyline and when the plane jitters and the Judas pilot takes a swan dive he asks the prostitutes and bookies if they know where their true stock lies before looking for the overhead emergency parachutes and finding a dusty row of King James instead.

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