Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Dr. Joanne “Grandma Glasser” Alumni Enema







Tired of Feeling bloated or financially constipated while perusing your Monthly student loan statements?  Sick of using foisted scraps of Hilltopics for toilet paper?  Embarrassed to display that Jim Les Bobble head doll you received as an award imitating KABOOM! during Honors Hog Roast at the annual Cullom-Davis Library’s DEWEY DECIMAL DAYS?

Sigh no more fellow alumnus. Relief has arrived.

Dr. Joanne Grandma Glasser’s Alumni Enema will leave you feeling plutocratic, haplessly hoity-toity, diuretically delusional and (sappy pun pending) stinking rich.

Grandma Glasser’s Alumni Enema releases the hourly strain of thoroughly educated lower middle class financial burdens into a placid stool of political naiveté, as calm and  idyllic as the multi-million dollar alumnus center whose name it bears… or of the million dollar make-over highest-paid-University-presidential countenance that is Grandma Glasser herself.

Whether you are an Associate professor scraping by on four thousand a semester teaching FROSH composition or have been laid off at BU, having your hours guillotined thanks to low enrollment and an overpriced utilitarian architectural boob job your tuition unwillingly fostered, one sweet Southern hemispherical shot of Grandma Glasser’s  Alumni Enema will put your creative colon at ease and you will find yourself kowtowing with high-brow River City literati, sipping boxed Franzia at the happening Richard Pryor wing at the unabashedly successful River Front Museum, admiring the athletic prowess of the still undefeated politically correct Bradley Braves before shunning the chicanery of Free speech as lampooned in farcical city hall tweets while admiring the grandiose Euclidean symmetry  that is the newly refurbished intersection of Main and University.

Yes with Grandma Glasser Alumni Enema there is simply no shit on the Hilltop.

“I used to get so backed up wondering if I would still have a job teaching at BU especially after all the cut backs,” Says BU Alum and associate prof of comp Dr. Ben Zover. “Now I don’t mind that I send my kid to District 150, am so overdue on my student loans that I have irreparably marred my credit score and that I won’t have presents for Christmas this year. With Dr. Grandma Glasser Alumni Enema I literally feel like there was an unwarranted six figure income coming out of my ass at all times.”

 

Dr. Zover even stated that, like Glasser, who had absolutely no ties to the University before she in 2007, “ After I shot my first Grandma Glasser up the ol’ literary appendix I suddenly found myself a member of various boards in town doing absolutely nothing and then the money starting ker-ching, ker-chinging, if you know what I mean.”

 

Zover then relayed a droll anecdote about the time first time Grandma Glasser arrived to a board meeting at Cat lugging a bag of Purina.

“After a good ol’ fashion Grandma Glasser enema I was ‘tootin-like-ah-putin.’”

Seventh year Philosophy major Anita Trollop said that she was initially “ kinda dubious” to take a Grandma Glasser Alumni Enema since the only people she knows who take enemas are, “Like my own grandma and late Dr. Gorev.” She said that she found the experience, “existentially kinky in a good way.

“My philosophical innards were ontologically corroded with anxiety, not knowing where I would find a job or how much time I can stall before the Grim Reaper ferrying the Scythe of student Loans arrives. My life kinda resembled the Quad last week when student’s protested by lying down in a jumble corrugated mass. Now when I look at the quad I see a modern day acropolis I  built with student funds It’s beautiful in a way. I feel like a Cleopatra looking at her pyramids while petting an asp.”

Trollop stated that she named her asp ‘Boobles.’

Trollop also stated that, since taking Grandma’s Glasser’s Alumni Enema  she has become sociologically inured to the click of expired bullets echoing 400 meters away from the Southern Valley and that she plans on giving herself a much deserved raise sometime before the next U.S. NEWS and WORLD Report.  


So next time you  feel  overtly privileged, out of touch with reality and full of shit, fraught with remorse over your academic proclivities do  consider imbibing Grandma Glasser’s Alumni Enema—

‘”THE LAX of the HIGHER TAX BRACK”

 



Order now and receive gratis a year’s supply of Grandma Glasser’s  Deep Pocket alumni Lydia Moss Lip Gloss. No matter how deep your contributory pockets may extend, there’s always room in your pants for Lydia Moss Lip Gloss, the lip gloss for deep pockets assisting in the nepotistic art of anal osculation. 

 

*Side effects may include local kickbacks, subterfuge,  the spontaneous appearance of overnight apiary hairdos, rectal puckering, and an ersatz, albeit annoying Tennessee twang slightly reminiscent of the Pig Squeal from Deliverance.

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