Poets and writers drink more intensely. Smoke more intensely. Worship God more intensely. Poets and writers fuck more intensely. Poets and writers give more willingly-- spilling the alphabetical marrow of their souls out into the albino sonogram of hope that is the page, hoping some stranger whom he or she has never before met turns to his crafted syllables in time of dire need and somehow finds solace, finds laughter finds a friend.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Dr. Joanne “Grandma Glasser” Alumni Enema
Tired of Feeling bloated or financially constipated
while perusing your Monthly student loan statements?Sick of using foisted scraps of Hilltopics
for toilet paper? Embarrassed to display
that Jim Les Bobble head doll you received as an award imitating KABOOM! during
Honors Hog Roast at the annual Cullom-Davis Library’s DEWEY DECIMAL DAYS?
Sigh no more fellow alumnus. Relief has arrived.
Dr. Joanne Grandma Glasser’s Alumni Enema will leave
you feeling plutocratic, haplessly hoity-toity, diuretically delusional and (sappy
pun pending) stinking rich.
Grandma Glasser’s Alumni Enema releases the hourly
strain of thoroughly educated lower middle class financial burdens into a
placid stool of political naiveté, as calm and idyllic as the multi-million dollar alumnus
center whose name it bears… or of the million dollar make-over highest-paid-University-presidential
countenance that is Grandma Glasser herself.
Whether you are an Associate professor scraping by on
four thousand a semester teaching FROSH composition or have been laid off at
BU, having your hours guillotined thanks to low enrollment and an overpriced
utilitarian architectural boob job your tuition unwillingly fostered, one sweet
Southern hemispherical shot of Grandma Glasser’sAlumni Enema will put your creative colon at
ease and you will find yourself kowtowing with high-brow River City literati, sipping
boxed Franzia at the happening Richard Pryor wing at the unabashedly successful
River Front Museum, admiring the athletic prowess of the still undefeated politically
correct Bradley Braves before shunning the chicanery of Free speech as
lampooned in farcical city hall tweets while admiring the grandiose Euclidean
symmetrythat is the newly refurbished
intersection of Main and University.
Yes with Grandma Glasser Alumni Enema there is simply
no shit on the Hilltop.
“I used to get so backed up wondering if I would still
have a job teaching at BU especially after all the cut backs,” Says BU Alum and
associate prof of comp Dr. Ben Zover. “Now I don’t mind that I send my kid to
District 150, am so overdue on my student loans that I have irreparably marred
my credit score and that I won’t have presents for Christmas this year. With
Dr. Grandma Glasser Alumni Enema I literally feel like there was an unwarranted
six figure income coming out of my ass at all times.”
Dr. Zover even stated that, like Glasser, who had
absolutely no ties to the University before she in 2007, “ After I shot my
first Grandma Glasser up the ol’ literary appendix I suddenly found myself a
member of various boards in town doing absolutely nothing and then the money
starting ker-ching, ker-chinging, if
you know what I mean.”
Zover then relayed a droll anecdote about the time
first time Grandma Glasser arrived to a board meeting at Cat lugging a bag of
“After a good ol’ fashion Grandma Glasser enema I was ‘tootin-like-ah-putin.’”
Seventh year Philosophy major Anita Trollop said that
she was initially “ kinda dubious” to take a Grandma Glasser Alumni Enema since
the only people she knows who take enemas are, “Like my own grandma and late
Dr. Gorev.” She said that she found the experience, “existentially kinky in a
“My philosophical innards were ontologically corroded
with anxiety, not knowing where I would find a job or how much time I can stall
before the Grim Reaper ferrying the Scythe of student Loans arrives. My life
kinda resembled the Quad last week when student’s protested by lying down in a
jumble corrugated mass. Now when I look at the quad I see a modern day
acropolis Ibuilt with student funds
It’s beautiful in a way. I feel like a Cleopatra looking at her pyramids while
petting an asp.”
Trollop stated that she named her asp ‘Boobles.’
Trollop also stated that, since taking Grandma’s
Glasser’s Alumni Enemashe has become
sociologically inured to the click of expired bullets echoing 400 meters away
from the Southern Valley and that she plans on giving herself a much deserved
raise sometime before the next U.S. NEWS and WORLD Report.
So next time youfeelovertly privileged, out of
touch with reality and full of shit, fraught with remorse over your academic
proclivities doconsider imbibing
Grandma Glasser’s Alumni Enema—
‘”THE LAX of the HIGHER TAX BRACK”
Order now and receive gratis a year’s supply of
Grandma Glasser’sDeep Pocket alumni
Lydia Moss Lip Gloss. No matter how deep your contributory pockets may extend,
there’s always room in your pants for Lydia Moss Lip Gloss, the lip gloss for
deep pockets assisting in the nepotistic art of anal osculation.
*Side effects may include local kickbacks, subterfuge,the spontaneous appearance of overnight
apiary hairdos, rectal puckering, and an ersatz, albeit annoying Tennessee
twang slightly reminiscent of the Pig Squeal from Deliverance.