Saturday, April 16, 2005

He who knows not how to hide....

...knows not how to love, so the adage goes. Went through four discrete drafts of my novel today, sifting through 1500 pages, four years of slapping shapes and milking metaphores. I'm exhausted. Twelve hour work day which because of pay crunches, I'm only paid for eight and a half.....

Brilliant writing buddy of mine found my blogg. He asked to remain faceless. Here's what he had to say:

Sir David--

Did something I've been meaning to do since NewYears. Recall our conversation with Dr.______,bedfellow of ____ the Plum Persian. Doctor insisted, rather insistently, that Kurt Vonnegut had recently checked out. You and I looked askance. Surely such news would have come to our attention. No, no, saidDoc, a bit dismissively, he's smoked. Are you sure you're not over extending your grasp Doctor? I mean,look, a guy needs a rubber glove in the ass and I'm sure you're just the man for the job. But perhaps you've strayed from your domain on this one. No, no,Kurt Vonnegut is dead, you ninnies. You are piddly writers. I am a medical doctor. You're degree is in abstraction, binge-drinking, mental masturbation. Mine is in medicine, in self-satisfaction. You two will stumble home tonight to toss off in a stack of wrinkled porn right about the time I'm mounting this plum Persian babe all knockered-up on Apple Martinis. Now, do as the good Doctor says and take yourmedicine, boys. I am right. He is dead.

Kurt Vonnegut is an 83-year old this year, and arather sprightly one at that.

Also, I checked out your blog. What a gig. It's the only blog I've ever intentionally read. Your fan base is impressive, though frankly, I'm worried, I'm worried for my life. I came upon the Dave Eggers story--well told, if you'll oblige some simpering. But oh the responses it illicited. I've heard about these blogging types. They're home-bodies,night-dwellers, tomb-raiders; they're wickens, they're patrons of dark lands with mystical powers. They take drugs, they have strange piercings. They have misinterpreted your yarn. They have bu-fooed context,and they have wished me ill-will. They have cursed me. Help me, David, please, to redeem my good standing in the universe. Tell them all that I have amended myself. Tell them of my support for your craft, my unflappable loyalty, my respect for all life and art. Tell them of my pathos, of my commingling with the needy. Tell them of my passiveness--I attended anti-war rallies in three states, albeit inadvertently. But a fine track record nonetheless. Tell them I'm a nature boy. Tell them I've sufferedfor my phone prank. And yes, tell them I have indeedheard of Karma. Tell them Karma recently visited andleft a raging case of ass herpes. I have repented.Tell them. Please. No more bad blogger Karma issued out of misconstrued context. The ass herpes hurts, somuch so I'm reduced to writing this email standing up.Bad bloggers, bad, bad bloggers.

Blogger be good, be good to me my babies. Love and peace to all of God's creatures unless you're and atheist then I love you too and good luck to the Muslims and people in India and I hope you all have enough rice for the winter and good toilets because cleanliness is next to godliness and that counts for you atheists too,



1 comment:

lindsey gail said...

Just finished watching Before Sunrise and can't decide which of the two movies I liked better. Quite lovely - thanks for the loan.