"I Never Did Find You and I Guess I Never Will"

Implore both members of my benevolent-hearted bloggin' ensmeble to squint out as far as they can, out past the contours and fuzzy-glare of the computer square, past the room where they are currently squashed, up through the aqua-windshield atmospherical tint of reality (while your squinting--trying doing that ankle-number six rotation thing daniela devised which I still can't master).....look out as far as you can. I'm starting to believe that if we squint hard enough, we'll be able to see the hand of the author that's composing this spasmodic tale of interconnected glory.

If the 'He Who Lives in the Moment...' blogg were a seasonal novella dashed with an additional espresso shot of intrigue, this would be the climax. The moment of suspense. The moment when the reader shifts their bottom and crosses their legs and inches their chin closer to the line of print.

Big pending week ahead of me. Can't go into extreme detail as of yet, but next week is a week of meditation and service and prayer and self-actualization. A time for me to tidy-up Uncle Mike's pad. A time for me to sift through boxes; a time for me to wade through all the emotional detrirus and joy that has gunked up inside both spine and stomach.

It'll be a week of meditation. I'm getting ready for a pending school year and as always, things are academically dubious. Perhaps that's part of the joy. Part of the suspense. Nothing beats being the lead protagonist in a novel that you are writing about yourself and being completely uncertain about what discourse shall inevitably transpire next.

The first time I ever heard of Rumi, the program was called 'Love's confusing Joy,'.....Coleman Barks gave a formidable reading. Here's the quote:

"If you want what visible reality can give, you're an employee. If you want the unseen world, you're not living your truth. Both wishes are foolish, but you'll be forgiven for forgetting that what you really want is love's confusing joy."

I go deep into the woods last night, found a clearing and shouted prayers at the beaded illuminating stars that squinted back at me with cat eyes. I saw a 'vision' of concourse J.T. (hallucination--imminent feeling in my chest that I wasn't s'pose to blogg that...alright then; it was probably just the light).....I make a covenant with myself that next week I'll work out; that I'll exercise, that'll I'll (first since '92) GO A WEEK WITHOUT COFFEE, that I'll flush out my system, that I'll be continually kind to people; that I'll become a luddite, that, after arguably four years of being perpetually on the go, I'll apply the emergency screech breaks to halt the emotional stagecoach.....

Dreamt last night that I was kickin' it with LeBron James (only LeBron was HIV+) and that I had to get to GreenLake only I couldn't because I had to work (as is true this year with this years GreenLake) and then I started making love to my Best friend's fiance who I honestly can't stand, b/c even though she's engaged to my friend she's (in real life) "fooling" around with some of my other friends and I found this out earlier in the week and almost became Vesuvius and erupted at her but then chose to live by the mantra "You've got to let people live their lives; you got to let people rake up their own mistakes and fumble through their own foibles" and last night in my dream I am making love to the girl I despise, brushing up against her and she is smiling and I can't stand looking her in her face. Can't stand having her stale-cottage cheese thighs wreathed around my torso; can't stand sweating as one integer with her. Can't stand her devious pumpkin smile....

And I wake up this morning in a puddle of nocturnal dew dripping from my forehead and the phone rings and it is Mara, Mara herself. Mara is outside my apartment and she is smoothing our her dress and her tongue is a twizzler and her breath is ambrosia and every time she bats her eyelashes it is the season of spring.......